Our Christmas Card & Letter 2020

I didn't send a Christmas letter with our card this year but if I did this is what it would have said. 

Merry Christmas!! We hope during this crazy year that this note finds you healthy and well. Like many of you, 2020 definitely looked different for our family but it taught us to cherish the one thing that is most important in the world, time together. Liam's last year of preschool was cut short in March and I became a full time teacher to two at home through the end of May. Our classroom was filled with walks and bike rides around the neighborhood having the hardest time not going to the parks while they were closed, doing Cosmic Kids Yoga in the living room, learning letters, numbers, colors, and shapes at the kitchen table with endless art supplies, experiencing virtual Disneyland rides on YouTube, building towers with magnet blocks, and so much more. The crazy thing is, I had prayed for just a little more quality time spent with Liam before sending him off to Kindergarten ... I didn't know what that would look like or what I was actually praying for in the moment ... but I learned it was this. It was getting to teach him his last few months of preschool and having him home every day with me. It was an answered prayer in the hardest but best way. 

In the summer we took our annual trip to Pocatello and Bear Lake. It is always one of the highlights of our year! Both of our kids have asked many times since when we get to go back. Other than that, summer was quiet. No swimming lessons, Roaring Springs passes, Children's Museum, etc. Instead, we spent many days with our blow up swimming pool splashing in our own backyard! We also transformed our yard this summer into a space we all love! We added a cozy sectional out there, a fire table for s'mores, a swing, beautiful flowers, trees, and shrubs we planted with our own two hands. We had a cement pad poured on the side of our home with our hand prints etched in it. 

In the fall, Lyla started her first year of preschool. She LOVES it and wishes she could go more than 2 days a week. She got her first haircut (bye bye baby mullet and hello baby bangs!), learned how to ride her hand-me-down balance bike like a champion, and was completely potty trained night and day by the end of the year!! Proud of that girl of ours!

Liam's school year started 100% online until slowly he went back every other day, to eventually the elementary schools opening full time. He is thriving in Kindergarten ... reading above grade level and making all kinds of new friends! His dream of riding the bus came true, too! He learned how to ride his bike with no training wheels this summer and is the such a good example to those around him at school. We are so grateful for him!

Nic has spent the better part of a year working from a home office! It has not come without its challenges but we love getting to see him more often and spend every lunch together! He has helped the hospital in so many ways through Covid and is officially the first member of our family to be vaccinated! He is always our rock emotionally and physically and he is helped complete more projects around our home this year than he probably cared to. haha We adore him!

Then there's me. Sometimes I struggle to see the difference I make around here until I get sick or something and see many of the plates I keep spinning in the air fall. Then I realize one of my truly greatest strengths is juggling ... schedules, schools, laundry, meals, emotions ... haha! It's a real art! ;) Jokes aside, I our kid's schooling and our home were my labors of love this year. I transformed our kids bedrooms into places that make them both smile and gave me a creative outlet that I really love to express. I finally found answers to the source of the headaches and pain I'd been experiencing for over 2 years and feel relieved to say that I now have coping mechanisms in place to keep it really well managed. It has been a huge blessing!!! 

So you see, 2020 really was filled with a lot of blessings. No matter how many things were canceled or closed, times when we couldn't see family and friends, masks we had to wear, or bottles of hand sanitizer we went through to try and stay healthy. I hope you can see the blessings from your year too. They are there and I know it is thanks to a Savior who is watching over all of us, especially during hard times. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! We love you!

Nic, Meagan, Liam, and Lyla

9 years

9 years married to this handsome guy and as you can see, our anniversary celebration looked a little bit different this year. It was my year to plan it and back in January I began dreaming up a night away in McCall just the two of us. It would have been the first time since Liam was about 18 months old. We'd get room service, sleep in, and relax in the hot pools. When the corona virus hit, I was in denial and kept postponing canceling until literally the day we needed to in order to get a full refund. After I made that phone call it was the first time I really let myself cry and feel disappointed for some of the things I felt like this virus has taken from me. Then I had a moment of clarity where it made me realize how grateful I am it didn't interrupt our wedding day like it has for so many. That was a beautiful day!

My favorite thing to do with him on our anniversary dates is spend time reflecting on every moment leading up to and since the day we became husband and wife. Boy how I wish I could go back in time and tell those two young and in love souls, just wait until you see what you have in store for you! Slow down and take it all in. These are some of the moments you won't ever forget! So many of those moments along the way stand as a witness of why we are so great together. Marriage is not always easy but we fight for each other and communicate through the hards things until we reach the other side even better. I adore him.

We were so lucky this year to have two dates! Yes, it involved wearing masks and the weather wasn't in our favor most of the day but we may not have ever chosen to bring blankets, string lights, and pick up take out dinner to eat in the back of our car by the river either. It was simple, just like the dates we used to have when we were first married. And truthfully, there wasn't anyone else in the world I would have been there with than him. I love you, Nic Williamson! Cheers to 9 years! XO

Trials are worth it

Rifle Paper Co. image

I'm getting emotional as I sit down to write this because the last few months have been a hard journey for me. The first week of December I woke up one morning with a headache ... it felt like your general run of the mill, I'm about a to get a cold kind of sinus pressure, so I ate some breakfast and popped a couple ibuprofen like I do if I'm in a situation like this (very rarely). Thirty minutes went by and right about the time I'd typically be feeling relief there was none. So I waited it out, the 6-8 hours before I could take a second dose and the same thing. A few days later Nic and I went on a date to the movies, the first movie we'd seen in a theatre in years, and I could hardly sit through it I was so miserable. The lack of lights in the room, the bright light of the screen, the over-the-top booming voices coming from the speakers were beyond my limit. It was then I realized, I'd gone about 4 days straight with a headache that never went away and no cold symptoms after all. As a mom of two kids does when life goes on I pushed through it. I pushed and pushed and pushed all the way until that next Wednesday when I noticed additional symptoms of blurred vision and disorientation as I was driving home from preschool. As you can imagine, with two kids in the car, it terrified me. I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to them because of me. The next morning Nic got up for work and headed out the door and I figured I'd just try to relax with the kids and turn on a movie for them. A couple hours into the morning, I couldn't even see straight and I called Nic in a panic because I knew something wasn't right.

After two hours in an urgent care and a huge amount of disappointment, the PA on staff told me "welcome to the club" and labeled it my first migraine. He sent me along with a prescription and told me to go hide in a dark quiet room and get some rest. So that's what I did ... for the next 3 days. Every morning I'd wake up thinking, this is it! This must be the day it will be gone! Then that dull ache behind the front of my forehead would be there the moment I opened my eyes. In December being that it was Christmas time, the Bishop at my church challenged everyone to think about the impact Christ had on their life. I spent those days in that dark room in constant prayer and thinking of Him. The one thing I kept coming back to is that in every trial in my life He was always there. He'd never left me and I knew He wouldn't this time either. 

 By that Sunday it was very obvious that particular medication from the urgent care was doing nothing for me so the next step was the ER. I at least knew they would do a much broader work up than the urgent care did. I NEEDED to find some answers. Neurological exam, normal ... blood work, clear ... head ct, clean ... pregnancy test, negative. Again, their diagnosis, a migraine. They gave me what they deemed a "migraine cocktail" of 3 medications and had me wait there. When they came back to check on me 30 minutes later and asked how I felt, with tears in my eyes I said, "the same". My options at this point were to stay longer if I wanted to and take the next dose of medication there after several hours or head home and do it there, so I opted to go home. I'd much rather be in the comfort of my own bed than in a freezing hospital room.

Because one of the medications was benadryl, the sleep delirium it would put me in made it impossible to take during the day so I took the medications before bed. They mentioned to switch from ibuprofen to tylenol and it took at least a month and a half to discover that when my pain level decreased, that was the only thing actually helping me along. I have a decently high pain tolerance so it wasn't excruciating but just really effected my quality of life. I'd try to stay positive but I never once felt like myself. The list of things that made my headache feel worse were growing by the minute, many of which were things that brought me joy ... I hate to admit it but my noisy kids, playing the piano, listening to music, looking at a computer screen to blog, being in my cold garage to exercise, playing with my kids in the snow, etc. The list of things I "shouldn't do" felt longer than the things I could. It was maddening! 

In the midst of that I continued to press on, paying close attention to my diet, taking long breaks from exercise to see if anything made a difference. I went to bed earlier getting as much sleep as possible, tried meditation and yoga. With every possible cause I could think of, I would be determined that this would be it! Like going to see an eye doctor for example. With the blurred vision I was convinced that the headaches were related to a sudden onset of poor eye sight (something I've never had before) and maybe all I needed were a pair of prescription glasses. Even that came back normal. Which I'd like to think is pretty impressive of these baby blues with blurred vision. haha 

For a while I thought maybe it was hormone related ... I had stopped nursing Lyla a month before and maybe postpartum depression could explain crying myself to sleep at night because another day with this dull ache living in my head felt like torture. 

I saw a very passive aggressive neurologist who again, deemed the source of the chronic headache from you know where a migraine and started me on yet another couple of new medications. SO.MANY.MEDICATIONS. I was sick of it. I tried all of them, for long periods of time, some that came with horrible side effects that made me feel like I was drugged at a rave and none of which ever helped except for tylenol to reduce the pain level. Of course, that one and only medication that seemed to make the headache more bearable, the neurologist told me to wean off of. 

Lovely, so there went my tylenol. And on came what I'm sure was an even worse withdrawal headache from being on it for 3 months straight. I am grateful for medication but I kept praying that I could somehow heal my body in a much more natural way ... food, sleep, something ... insert essential oils.

I've always been a huge skeptic of essential oils. I know the power of a placebo effect and I just haven't been convinced enough to try them in my home but here I was praying for a NATURAL remedy and was growing desperate to try anything. My sweet sister-in-law sells them and shared a headache blend with me that I've been using the last couple of weeks. I could hardly stand it at first. On the list of many things, one thing that triggers the headache to feel worse are strong smells and let me tell you what, rubbing very potent essential oils on your temples RIGHT next to your nose ... it was NOT pleasant the first few days. When I reached back out to her she said to try it instead on my feet below my big toe and I've been doing it every couple of hours ever since. Each day my headache has felt a little better, even with moments of no pain at all!! No one is more surprised than me of this or MORE GRATEFUL!

Not only have I been told that neither side of my family has a history of migraines but the most frustrating part in all of this was believing in my heart it wasn't a migraine and being told by doctor after doctor that it is. For so long I wondered if it was just because I wasn't willing to accept the diagnosis which made me not believe it. I still don't have any answers and don't know what caused it in the first place and maybe I'll never know, but if there is one thing that this whole process has taught me it is this: (besides not to be so skeptical of healing that can come from essential oils!) but that prayers are answered. That my trials make me teachable. They make me humble. They put everything into perspective and they change what I value most, how I spend my time, and make me realize what is most important in life. My trials develop my character. They require me to rely on my faith in God and put my trust, my health, and my life in Him. They are important. Trials are worth it!

Thanksgiving 2017

I shared this on my social media but wanted to document it here too since this is essentially my family journal. A single picture and a message about Lyla's first Thanksgiving ...

It's unlike me to not have a single picture from Lyla's first Thanksgiving but things didn't exactly go as panned. We had what felt like our whole house packed up for the 4 of us by Wednesday night and were ready to hit the road the next morning to spend the holiday in Meridian with my side of the family, only to wake up to a nasty case of pink eye. So invested, we spent the day at home and apart ... Nic and Liam on the living room couch covered in washable sheets and Lyla and I in our master bedroom, living on a prayer that she wouldn't get it too. Our fridge was completely emptied of groceries since we planned to be gone and our pediatrician, taking longer than usual to respond with an antibiotic prescription (rightfully so). I found myself with a sleeping Lyla in my grocery cart, surrounded by a last minute pre-cooked ham bag of frozen corn stovetop stuffing a small bag of potatoes, and a miraculous bottle of eye drops that I was counting on to clear up Liam's eye in 24 hours and on the verge of tears. As i put all of my items not he belt, the sweetest old man greeted me with a warm and friendly "Hello!" and "Happy Thanksgiving!" Swallowing the lump in my throat I half smiled and said "Hello, I'm sorry I had to give you a reason to work today by needing groceries." I'll never forget the moment when he looked up at me, smiled once again, and said, "Oh, it's quite alright. I'm happy to be here for you." The tears actually came that time and in my heart I knew that he was an angel in my path, changing my focus and reminding me of all the things I have to be thankful for. Thankful for a sweet man willing to be away from his family and work on a holiday, for the food in my cart that would make a warm Thanksgiving meal for my family, the money in my wallet to afford it, and the sweet family I shared the day and rest of the weekend with. So I may not have gotten a picture of you on your first Thanksgiving Lyla, but I want you to know that you spend the day and the rest of the weekend in the arms of this who love you, being so thankful you were born in our family this year. 

Happy Thanksgiving! XO

Life Lately with TWO kids

If there is one thing I've learned about life with two kids it is that I need to lower my expectations and offer myself a whole lot of grace. Like expecting to be able to clean my whole house in one day like I used to or expecting to have everyone ready and get out the door in 15 minutes (plan on an hour!). I will be honest and say that it has been a heck of a lot harder than I anticipated it to be. Mostly I had a really hard time when Nic went back to work ...

My second day alone with the two of them, Liam had preschool and I barely held it together when I had to leave the house with Lyla to pick him up. Chalk it up to hormones or who knows what but it was incredibly overwhelming for me to be surrounded by a million preschool moms asking me how I was doing and very chaotic trying to carry Lyla's car seat, get Liam's shoes and backpack on, and everyone strapped back into the car in the freezing cold. The entire time I just wanted to get out of there so so badly and was barely holding back tears. Two days later when I had to do it all over again, I got a text 15 minutes before I was supposed to pick Liam up that he had an accident and peed his pants at preschool. Normally I would have been able to drop everything and be over there in 2 minutes (it is two streets away) but with a brand new baby, I had to get her dressed, strapped in her car seat, carried to the car, grab a change of clothes for Liam, and drive over there. The whole process took about 15 minutes and it felt like the longest and most terrible 15 minutes of my parenting life. While Liam didn't seem that phased, I got there and still felt terrible that he was sitting in the corner of the room wrapped in a towel just waiting for me. I beat myself up the rest of the day for not having a spare set of clothes in his backpack. See what I mean, a whole lot of grace I need to be giving myself right now! Fast forward to the next week and this week ... now I really enjoy preschool days! They are my two mornings during the week that I get alone time to bond with Lyla and hold her as much as I want. ;) I also get an uninterrupted shower and Liam is learning 10 new words a day because of it I swear!

When Nic is home with us, we have a bit more of a stable groove. Nic plays with Liam while I cook dinner, I nurse Lyla while Nic reads Liam stories and tucks him into bed. We're able to share parenthood. 

One more story of chaos ... yesterday at lunch time Lyla was sleeping and Liam wanted to paint so I got him all set up at the kitchen table and finally got the opportunity to heat up my lunch, sit down, and eat it. Two bites in Lyla woke up screaming to be fed so I brought her over to the kitchen table and began nursing her while I ate my next couple bites. Then Liam decided he was done painting but was covered and trying to hop down from the table to head to the living room so I abandoned my lunch completely, put Lyla down after only nursing on one side and brought Liam over to the kitchen sink to be cleaned up. Lyla started screaming again and then Liam decided he wanted a snack and a show. I get him all set up and go back to nursing Lyla on the other side. By then, my lunch was completely cold and no longer edible. haha That was all in a matter of 10 minutes of our day! In other words, life with two is crazy! :)

But when Nic is home with us, we have bit more of a stable groove! Nic plays with Liam while I cook dinner, I nurse Lyla while Nic reads Liam bed time stories, and Nic stays home until 8:30 or 9 so I can get an extra hour of sleep in the mornings.

Life with two kids is bound to bring out a little jealousy in all of us. There are only two things about having a baby sister that make Liam jealous ... lack of attention and ALL of her things. Like this headband for example ... haha ;)

And if you had any doubt about our kids looking alike ...

Liam on the left, Lyla on the right!

I am working on a lesson that I will be teaching the women in my church in October and it is all about filling our buckets with sunshine and positivity. Rather than focusing on where we fall short as moms/wives/daughters of God, focusing on our personal successes no matter how small throughout the day and then recognizing that when we do fall short, the Savior makes up the difference through the Atonement. It is because of having two kids and feeling far too many feelings of inadequacy over the last couple weeks that I felt inspired to share this message. I think it is something we could all do a little better at in our lives. So if you are having a day, a week, a month where you simply feel like you are falling short more than you are succeeding, look for the bits of sunshine in your life and most of all, know that you have a Savior who loves you so much that he gave his life for you. XO

on stepping out of your comfort zone

If there is one thing in life I think a lot of us avoid (intentionally or unintentionally) it is stepping out of our comfort zone. It is easy to become accustomed to the things we feel most confident and successful at that we rarely choose to take a leap of faith. The thing about stepping out of your comfort zones though is that it can be the ultimate learning experience. The uncomfortable part about learning is that it often surfaces the flaws we have but the more you practice at something that makes you uncomfortable the better you become. Believe me when I say that I am in no way an expert at stepping out of my comfort zone but I can definitely speak from experience at the times that I have.

A month or so ago an opportunity came across my path and looking back now thankfully it was one of those situations where you can't really turn it down but at the time I wanted to out of fear. My darling little neighbor girl turned 8 and was getting baptized during the month of October and her mom (my next door neighbor) asked me if I would be willing to take her baptism pictures. Just as any situation merits that makes you step out of your comfort zone, I immediately wanted to respond with, "I really shouldn't. There are so many photographers out there far better than me. This is such a special time in your daughter's life, a once in a lifetime kind of moment, and I would want nothing but the very best to commemorate her day!" At least those were just a few of the negative thoughts consuming my mind in that moment. Unlike the one tiny flickering flame, the only positive thought in my head contrasting all the others, "Meagan, this would be such a good learning opportunity for you to step outside of your comfort zone and try something you know in your heart you've always wanted to try with a family you know, love, and trust." So I had a choice to make in that moment. Let fear and doubt overshadow my opportunity or seize an opportunity to learn and grow.

I spent the weeks leading up to the photo shoot practicing and planning. When the day finally came, I was a complete ball of nerves. Even when they were people I knew, loved, and trusted I was still shaking all over and doing my very best to not let any doubt or insecurity show. I did all I could do in those moments, gave it my very best, and this is what came out of it ... 

Pictures of a beautiful family that I am really proud of.

I learned so much from my first photo shoot with this sweet family. Some constructive criticism for myself like to look for details that can't be fixed in post processing and that I need so much more practice with what feels like the impossible task of getting everyone in a family of 6 all looking at me and genuinely smiling at the same time! haha But I also learned that there is so much beauty in simplicity. My off the wall ideas didn't turn out quite like the organic simple and natural poses did. I learned to trust in my ability and talent that I feel blessed to have been given. The best part about it all was that they loved them! That is what truly mattered the most to me. I couldn't have asked for anything more from my first photo shoot and I am grateful for the opportunity to step out of my comfort zone for a passion of mine that is worth the risk!

More pictures from my photo shoot with Katelyn & the Staley family HERE.

To Katelyn :: Thank you for letting me be a small part in your very special day! There could not have been a more beautiful girl than you in that white dress! 

what a momma really wants for Mother's Day

Motherhood is a wonderfully beautiful thing. It is also a hot mess most of the time. It is the most joy you will ever feel in your lifetime mixed right up there with the most pain you will feel. It will give you your best laugh and your biggest cry. It will make you more "you" than you will ever be anywhere else while also completely stripping you of yourself at the same time. It is every polar opposite under the sun. I read this post the other day by Bridget Hunt about "motherhood ruining you" for these very same reasons I mentioned above and I found myself nodding a million times over. It was as if she took the emotions right from my very own heart about how I feel about being Liam's mom. But my favorite favorite part of her whole post was the very end where she said, "I hope this is what heaven is like" because if there is one thing I hope and believe heaven is... it is family. And it is forever. 

With it being Mother's Day on Sunday, I've spent the better part of this week reflecting on last Mother's Day...

Can you believe how little he was just a year ago!!! He went on his very first swing ride that day like such a big boy. Not to mention he was wearing my very favorite sweatshirt with the bear ears that I wish so much still fit him instead of being tucked away in his closet for the next baby. 

And the Mother's Day before that...

Liam was only a 15 week bump then. I hadn't even felt him move yet but I had heard the pitter patter of his little heart beat for the first time and was completely changed that day. It is still one of the BEST sounds in the whole world! 

Reflecting on both days has made me realize more than anything what a momma really wants for Mother's Day and that is for her children to slow down. To stay little. Motherhood is filled with milestone after milestone and while I clapped in complete joy when he learned to roll over for the first time...

And was his biggest cheerleader smiling from ear to ear when he took those very first few steps on his own...

The milestones keep passing by and while I savor and enjoy ever.single.perfect.second of those memories, they are all too fleeting and before I know it, he doesn't need me to help him roll back over when he cries during tummy time anymore, and he is okay to let go of my fingers and independently take those steps on his own. This song says it best and let me warn you, before you watch it, grab a tissue! Just trust me, you'll thank me later.

the fourth trimester

Did you know there is such a thing?? A fourth trimester? I didn't either until I experienced it and man can it be hard. Physically, emotionally hard. 5 weeks of Lochia. 6 weeks of recovering from stitches. Many sleepless nights with every 2 hour feedings. A roller coaster of emotions I tell you what. Still not fitting in all of my clothes like I used to and having to continue to wear some maternity clothes without a baby in my belly. It has not always been fun times! Most days I don't even get fully ready anymore. I jump in the shower to wash off the dried spit up and then put my hair in a wet bun and call it good for the day. I think there have been only a couple of times so far where I got fully ready (showered, hair, make up, and dressed) all before 10 A.M. and on those days I felt like super woman and I only have one child! haha Heaven help us when we all have to be up, ready, and out the door by 7:15 for work when my maternity leave ends. BUT.... 

The fourth trimester is also so amazing. Newborn snuggles all day long and constantly surrounded by that incredible newborn smell. I could hold Liam in my arms all day, staring at him, singing him songs, watching him smile back at me while he drifts off to sleep. We have spent many days doing just that together and it has been wonderful. I'll miss it so so much in 3 weeks. I cry just thinking about it.

The truth is, I wouldn't trade that fourth trimester for the world because the hard parts have been worth every.single.second. I completely adore this little boy of ours and am so lucky to be his mom! 

on loss

In times of trial, it just seems like the most natural thing and what brings about the most healing for me is to write. So here I am...

I had a friend pass away this week. The truth is, I haven't talked to this friend in at least a year or so but he was one of those people that made an impact on my life. So even though we haven't, it feels like just yesterday. He had this genuine big grin that I rarely ever saw him without. He was goofy and often times had me dying laughing because what he said may have been silly or may not have even made sense at all. Like the one time he told me something to the effect of, "I wish there was a ladder in the sky that you could climb up there and walk on all the stars and visit the planets."  It came out of the middle of nowhere in a quiet moment and while it may not seem totally funny now, at the time we were like what?! Haha There was also this time I went horseback riding at his house and he had provoked my horse so much to tease me before I even got on it that the darn horse eventually bucked me off in a pile of dirt and took off with Eian chasing after it over acres of land. ;) Must have been the way boys tried to flirt back then in high school.

But while a lot of the time he was silly, he also had his moments when he could be nothing but sincere. We exchanged letters while he served a 2 year mission in Japan and it was at a time in my life when I needed spiritual support and a friend to listen. Even countries away, he was there for me and from his responses in letters, I knew it. He was a wonderful person and an even better friend.

It is my hope that his final moments on this Earth were painless. As I laid in bed last night with a heavy heart thinking how life is truly so short and how tragic it is to lose someone so young, I felt a somersault in my tummy. I placed my hand on top of it and and felt it again. Four or five more times I felt my son bumping against my hand. It was the sweetest reminder to me that while life is lost, it is also created and that is such a beautiful thing. I'm grateful to know this life is not the end and we get to see the people we care about again someday. It is that knowledge that brings comfort in times of tragedy like these and is what keeps us going. I am praying for that same comfort to wash over and protect his family this week because I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a son or a brother. I know I will be holding those I love very tight. 

Eian Wintz, you will be missed.

"There are no true endings. Only everlasting beginnings." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

becoming a mom

From the time I could carry something around with me in my arms, a baby doll was my toy of choice. I remember a couple months before Christmas, we would get a big Christmas edition of the JCPenney catalog in the mail and my mom would offer it up to my brother and I to peruse through for a couple ideas to give Santa. :) Well, the joke would always be on her because every year, she would come back to find every last baby doll circled with a pen. Hello, I wanted all of them!  She would have to make me go back through and put a star next to my top two or three so she had some semblance of a clue as to which one she should pick, but truth be told, I probably would have been happy with any of them because I was a little mom at heart who loved every baby!

When we were kids, I would also coerse my brother into playing "house" with me where I inherently became the "mom" and had a cheaper by the dozen family size because only having one or two babies was totally outrageous to me. ;) Fast forward about 18 years later and 12 babies now sounds like the outrageous choice but c'est la vie! Maybe I'd change my mind if I were still paying for everything using Monopoly money and driving my tricycle around for a car. ;) 

Now that I am preparing to become a real mom, I can't even tell you how much I feel like this is my dream coming true! A dream I had loooong ago, that one day I would hold a real baby in my arms, one that looked a little like me and call me momma. Becoming a mom is a special gift and I am so thankful this baby chose me. 

happy list

"Whatever hour God has blessed you with, take it with grateful hand, nor postpone your joys from year to year, so that in whatever place you have been, you may say that you have lived happily." - Roman Philosopher, Horace

This past Sunday, a sweet neighbor of ours got up in church and spoke about finding joy in our present circumstances and staying positive a midst the trials that come in our lives. So many of the things she shared really stuck with me and have been on my mind ever since. These past few days I have found myself refocusing my attention on the little things that make me happy in my every day life. Some are big and some are small. Some remain constant each day while others change. But they all make my day brighter and so that is what I'm choosing to focus on. The happy in my life because there is SO much of it!

That is also where this little idea of a happy list came from. Just a list of things I want to share with you that are making me happy in hopes that I will always do my best to remain positive and focus on the abundant blessings in my life every day. 

Here are just a few things on my happy list right now...

1. Snow! We've seen very little this Winter and it was surprisingly fun shoveling a snow covered driveway for the first time at our new home a couple weeks ago. It also gave me a chance to finally wear my new Sorrel snow boots that I got from Nic for Christmas. Win, win!

2. This navy and white herringbone patterned shower curtain! I've had my eye on it for some time now and finally purchased it right after Christmas on a sale for our new master bathroom. I absolutely adore it, it makes me smile every time I walk in our bathroom. :) I am almost done putting the finishing touches on the space and then I will share pictures.

3. Record day at school tomorrow and the time I am given to refocus my attention on the things I am behind on. I LOVE teaching but there is this endless list of other things that I didn't really consider that take up so much time and are easy to get behind on (i.e. grading, organizing, and the endless paperwork that comes with the job). So it is nice that I am given a day every 6 weeks to catch up on those things. My OCD heart feels happier when everything is organized. haha

4. This song by John Legend called "All of Me"! I heard it on the radio for the first time last week which seemed so fitting since it was Valentine's week and love was on the mind! The lyrics are really sweet.

5. The new Waterlogue app. Have you tried it yet?! I am seriously obsessed. It transforms your pictures into beautiful water color paintings. I really want to have one printed on a canvas for our new home.

I believe in angels

Over the last week, I have sat down on multiple occasions to write this post and every single time I simply stare at my computer screen realizing that anything I could possibly say in words would seem so insignificant. I've come to learn that feelings and emotions come from a much deeper place than words ever could. So to say that I'm completely heartbroken for all the mommies and daddies who lost a little one to welcome home last Friday from school feels like an understatement. To say that I'm so sorry for their loss or to say that I wish this world wasn't so broken somehow just doesn't seem enough.

In any tragedy, all we really have left is love. For those lives that were lost, for those that were left behind, and for one another. While I don't have the perfect words, my heart and prayers go out to those families in Connecticut.

I am always in complete awe of the perspective that children have on life. Like, "If you're feeling blue - try painting yourself a different color." I believe that there are 26 new angels who will be helping to do just that. Painting the world a different color than blue to mend broken hearts.

If you haven't already seen this tributary video, I hope you take a minute to watch it. It touched my heart.

on feeling uninspired

source

Have you ever found yourself feeling hopelessly uninspired?
Like this creative side of you decided to take a mini vacation {or in my case, a several weeks vacation} and you don't know how to get out of the "funk" your in.
That's exactly how I have been feeling lately.

I can't even count how many blog posts are sitting in my inbox unfinished.
Some with maybe a sentence, others with only a few words written in them.
My love for writing is still as strong as ever, I just find myself not knowing what to say.
And it isn't even just with blogging, it seems to be spilling over into all aspects of my life.

Take school for example.
I have all the time in the world these days for lesson planning.
I sit down with what should be a perfectly refreshed mind after a good nights sleep and I come up with nothing. Okay not nothing, but nothing that is extremely creative like I usually am able to do.
It just isn't me.

The other day I opened our small but lovely box of Fall decorations and I found myself jotting down little ideas again of things I wanted to create.
I think the changing of the season is good for me and I'm hoping it will be the source for sparking my little flame of inspiration back up again.

I'm thinking about working on one of those little ideas I jotted down tonight so we'll see how it goes....

In the mean time, what inspires you?

on my heart

I've had a lot of things on my heart lately. So much so that it is hard to put into words. Somewhere between my adolescent and early adult years I got this notion that I need to be great at everything that I do. The best student, teacher, writer, and blogger. The best seamstress, pianist, and cook. And perhaps the one that weighs on my heart the most, the best wife, daughter, and friend. It sounds so trivial when I say it out loud and easy to change this need for perfection, but it hasn't been for me. In fact, I am hard on myself about each one of these every day and it has become detrimental to my desire to do better. Overwhelming even.

Someone pointed out very clearly to me yesterday that I am far from my best. In the moment it stung like crazy and I poured my heart out to Nic about it afterwards but later I realized that what she said had some truth to it.

After spending a lot of time on my knees and talking with my best listener, {he really is my better half like they say}, both have helped me to realize that I may not be the best but I try with everything that I have.
And sometimes I think it is trying that matters most. Taking those small and simple steps even without immediate results.

I know I won't lose this desire to be perfect over night but little moments like yesterday help to renew my attitude and perspective. To try and focus on being my best at one thing at a time instead of several. To not be so quick to point out to myself my past set backs or the ones I'll make in the future but to instead, focus on the desire I have to be a better version of myself one step at a time. Because truthfully, what lies behind us and what lies before us really are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. {that Ralph Waldo Emerson sure knows his stuff, doesn't he?}

the last 24 hours

The last 24 hours have been nothing short of emotionally draining. It all began yesterday afternoon when I got a call from Nic telling me to go look outside. I remember feeling really nervous to look because he never calls me on his cell phone during work. It had to be important. I saw a giant cloud of smoke filling the sky. It was coming from the direction of my mother-in-laws home.

A few minutes earlier Nic had been on the phone with her. She had heard about the fire and while it wasn't threatening her neighborhood at the moment, she felt the sudden urge to go home and check on her puppies just in case. Not two minutes after she got inside, a sheriff knocked on her front door. She had five minutes to evacuate her home. In a moment of panic with Nic on the phone with her, she had to decide what to bring and what to leave behind. She scooped up her dogs, some important documents, and some family pictures and left.

Fast forward about 30 minutes and she showed up on our doorstep with two confused dogs and a terrified look on her face. I felt completely helpless but I did what I knew I could do - I said a prayer and gave her a safe place to sleep. We spent hours into the night listening intently to any and all updates provided by all of the local news stations. We don't have cable so the updates came from either a phone or a laptop (which is pretty much the same these days). After getting very little sleep, we woke up to find that the news didn't have much more to report in the morning than they had the night before.

Finally by mid afternoon we were informed that 66 homes and 29 buildings had burned down. My mother-in-laws home was not one of them. They had contained the fire about a football fields length away from her front yard. I kept thinking in that moment, am I supposed to feel relieved? Because I was. For her, my heart was so happy and so grateful. But then my thoughts drifted to the other 66 families that lost everything and my heart sank and it has sort of stayed there ever since.

I wish I could take every single one of them in. We are lucky to live in such a wonderful community that so many businesses and people have reached out and have been providing places to stay and food for them to eat. While I'm grateful that no one was hurt and it is only possessions they have lost, I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a home. The one place that I go to feel safe and protected from the world. It makes me want to cry for them.

Just like with my mother-in-law, I feel helpless but I know I shouldn't because I can offer the best kind of help. The help that these families will need more than ever in the coming monthes and that help is prayer. I'm praying that families being effected by fires going on all over the United States right now feel comfort and safety. Communities can do great things. I'm grateful for the fire department and all of their efforts to put out these fires. Their service is our miracle.

all photos from The Idaho State Journal.

 

4 years.

4 years ago I was stepping out of my little Oldsmobile, Alero, 
staring completely wide-eyed at the run-down 7 story building that would be my new home.

To make it even more unreal than it already was in that moment,
my mom and I began unloading our cars of the things I had brought with me,
hauling them up the elevator to my room on the seventh floor.
We unpacked together for a while,
most of that time filled with my mom's buzzing words of excitement.
You are going to love it here, I just know it. 
You will have so much fun meeting lots of new people.

I was quiet mostly,
trying desperately to take it all in.
I didn't really want to admit it at the time but I was pretty terrified.

A million thoughts were racing through my head...
You chose this remember? 
You are strong enough for this. 
Every day will get a little easier. 
And you know what, it did.

The girl who stood alone in a cafeteria filled with hundreds of strangers,
The girl with tears streaming down her cheeks as she watched her mom pull away,
The girl who didn't quite feel like herself and was truly shy for the first time in her life,
I don't even know that girl anymore.

The truth is - my life changed here.
And for the first time, I began to discover who I was, on my own, completely independent from the comfortable life I was living at home.

I've learned some hard lessons...
That my big group of friends from high school who I thought I would remain close to forever, would all move away. We would slowly lose touch and they would simply become a fond memory from my past. A faded photograph that I think of from time to time but not very often anymore.
That it is important to do what you love no matter what anyone else says, even when it isn't the best paying career you could choose.

And some lessons that were unexpected...
That I would find love when I least expected it.
That I have a confidence among strangers that I never knew I had.
That I am strong and independent all on my own.

But most of all, I've learned who I truly am.
And I have these last 4 years to thank for that.

 

the power of words

via

Last weekend Nic and I went to the store to get groceries for the week.
It wasn't but a few seconds after stepping out of the car that we heard it.
A shouting voice, it was hard to miss.
We both turned and looked.
There was a little boy about 7 or 8 lifting heavy grocery bags from a cart and placing them in the trunk of the car.
His dad ripped the grocery bags out of his son's hands while screaming in his face, "DO NOT look at me like that" and it was as if those words were enough to completely stun me that I had no idea the things he shouted after that.
He made an absolute scene.
And his son seemed to do all he could to fight back the tears.
A million thoughts ran through my mind in that moment but I found myself forcing them away because it was too hard to think about.
Then the boy got in the car and the man pulled away.

***

Ever since this happened I can't get it off my mind.
I keep wondering, more like praying really, that this is not a common thing in this boy's life.
Even more so than that, I keep hoping that it didn't get any worse than yelling when they got home, out of sight from the public parking lot.
The look on the father's face was one of despise. I kept hoping in that moment to notice a glimpse of a bad day but from the way the little boy reacted, it didn't seem that way.
It was heartbreaking and the last few nights I've laid awake wondering how there are so many people in this world who aren't able to have children that would make wonderful parents and others who are given that blessing and do not treat their children the way they deserve to be treated.

***

It also got me thinking about my future students someday and what I would do if I found out something like this was happening to one of them.
And the truth is, I'm not sure what I would do.
I know what I would want to do but I'm not sure what I can do.
I get attached and I've already noticed this about myself.
I care so much about their happiness and success.
It would be a hard thing to know.

***

It doesn't matter who you are in this world, everyone deserves to be treated kindly.
Words aren't empty.
They have so much power and once they are said, they can never be taken back.
I wish that man in the parking lot the other day knew that.
Because if he truly did, I don't think he would have ever said what he did.
It is my hope that people will lift each other up and fill this world with kind words.
I know I need to hear them, and I'm sure you do too.
We all deserve that much.

thoughts on being a teacher

via

I realized something valuable today that I don't want to ever forget. While I was at work, I am a receptionist at a dental clinic by the way, one of the dentists approached me and wanted to know the cost of tuition at ISU. His daughter is graduating from high school this year and is thinking about attending. The moment I responded with the answer he was looking for my boss, overhearing this conversation, chimed in and asked him what his daughter wanted to major in. With a semi-disappointed look on his face followed by a sigh he muttered, "a teacher" - a response that almost sounded like he was trying to convince himself that it was a joke. I could tell he was embarrassed to say it out loud but not as embarrassed as when my boss said, "Oh, Meagan is going into education!" It was as if he wanted to crawl out of the room with his tail between his legs.

This one experience made me realize that this is not the only time this situation has happened to me. Over and over again I get the same response when anyone asks me what I am going in to. One memory in particular stands out - One of my favorite high school teachers that I admired said, "Why would you ever want to do that? You are way to smart to be a teacher. You would be wasting your talents." I was floored!

And I can tell you that all of these experiences made me react the very same way.

I began to defend my career choice.
Then I'd question why I even chose it in the first place.

I know today won't be the last time that I am faced with this situation but it will certainly be the last that I will feel a need to defend myself or question why I chose it because I KNOW why I chose it.

I chose it to make a difference.
To see the glow in a child's eyes when they learn something new.
To be someone they can depend on when they have no one else.
To teach them things that will make them successful in this world.
And because it makes me incredibly happy.

I am proud of my career choice. The truth is, I know I was meant to be a teacher. Life is too short not to do what you love and what makes you truly happy, and that is something I never want to forget.