on my heart

I've had a lot of things on my heart lately. So much so that it is hard to put into words. Somewhere between my adolescent and early adult years I got this notion that I need to be great at everything that I do. The best student, teacher, writer, and blogger. The best seamstress, pianist, and cook. And perhaps the one that weighs on my heart the most, the best wife, daughter, and friend. It sounds so trivial when I say it out loud and easy to change this need for perfection, but it hasn't been for me. In fact, I am hard on myself about each one of these every day and it has become detrimental to my desire to do better. Overwhelming even.

Someone pointed out very clearly to me yesterday that I am far from my best. In the moment it stung like crazy and I poured my heart out to Nic about it afterwards but later I realized that what she said had some truth to it.

After spending a lot of time on my knees and talking with my best listener, {he really is my better half like they say}, both have helped me to realize that I may not be the best but I try with everything that I have.
And sometimes I think it is trying that matters most. Taking those small and simple steps even without immediate results.

I know I won't lose this desire to be perfect over night but little moments like yesterday help to renew my attitude and perspective. To try and focus on being my best at one thing at a time instead of several. To not be so quick to point out to myself my past set backs or the ones I'll make in the future but to instead, focus on the desire I have to be a better version of myself one step at a time. Because truthfully, what lies behind us and what lies before us really are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. {that Ralph Waldo Emerson sure knows his stuff, doesn't he?}