on loss

In times of trial, it just seems like the most natural thing and what brings about the most healing for me is to write. So here I am...

I had a friend pass away this week. The truth is, I haven't talked to this friend in at least a year or so but he was one of those people that made an impact on my life. So even though we haven't, it feels like just yesterday. He had this genuine big grin that I rarely ever saw him without. He was goofy and often times had me dying laughing because what he said may have been silly or may not have even made sense at all. Like the one time he told me something to the effect of, "I wish there was a ladder in the sky that you could climb up there and walk on all the stars and visit the planets."  It came out of the middle of nowhere in a quiet moment and while it may not seem totally funny now, at the time we were like what?! Haha There was also this time I went horseback riding at his house and he had provoked my horse so much to tease me before I even got on it that the darn horse eventually bucked me off in a pile of dirt and took off with Eian chasing after it over acres of land. ;) Must have been the way boys tried to flirt back then in high school.

But while a lot of the time he was silly, he also had his moments when he could be nothing but sincere. We exchanged letters while he served a 2 year mission in Japan and it was at a time in my life when I needed spiritual support and a friend to listen. Even countries away, he was there for me and from his responses in letters, I knew it. He was a wonderful person and an even better friend.

It is my hope that his final moments on this Earth were painless. As I laid in bed last night with a heavy heart thinking how life is truly so short and how tragic it is to lose someone so young, I felt a somersault in my tummy. I placed my hand on top of it and and felt it again. Four or five more times I felt my son bumping against my hand. It was the sweetest reminder to me that while life is lost, it is also created and that is such a beautiful thing. I'm grateful to know this life is not the end and we get to see the people we care about again someday. It is that knowledge that brings comfort in times of tragedy like these and is what keeps us going. I am praying for that same comfort to wash over and protect his family this week because I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a son or a brother. I know I will be holding those I love very tight. 

Eian Wintz, you will be missed.

"There are no true endings. Only everlasting beginnings." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf