Change

There is something I struggle with,
I have for my whole life,
and that something is CHANGE.
Sometimes I'll have a moment when I have the courage to make a big change but then the moment passes me by and I slip right back in my comfortable routine.

I'm sure you probably know this about me by now...
like when you found out HERE that I pretty much eat the same things every day
-or-
HERE, in my letter to high school me.

Well 4 years ago I went through one of the biggest changes of my whole life and guess what... I still struggle with it.
I moved away to college.
For the first time I was leaving everything I had known and every one that I loved behind.
I packed up my things and drove off in to the sunset hoping that I had made the right decision.
With tears streaming down my cheeks I looked through my rear view mirror one more time. Then I pulled myself together and I faced one of the greatest changes in my entire life.

Looking at where I am now, I can tell you that both great things and hard things have come from that decision I made. I have learned that I love teaching more than anything, it is my passion and my avenue to change the world. I have grown to be independent and strong. I met and married the man of my dreams. 
I know I was meant to come here for all of it.

But there is also something hard that came from it, something I still struggle with every day despite all of these great things.
I moved away from my best friend.

She had been by my side since I was in 8th grade. We were attached at the hip. We spent countless hours talking about boys, watching Friends, having sleep overs, eating pickles, and giggling about things that other people probably wouldn't even think was funny. We have cried together, laughed together, and shared every other emotion in between. She is my favorite person and I love her more than words can say.

When I moved away I was scared. I'd been through this before (friend moved away, grew apart, and no matter how hard I tried it was never the same). I didn't want that to be me and Sara and I hoped with all my heart it never would be. The days went by and our text and phone calls became fewer and far between but I still thought about her every day. I moved away to Pocatello and she stayed in Boise to go to cosmetology school. I remember one of the first few times I came home I was surprised to see that she had changed. I'm sure that I did too I just didn't even know it. She had always agreed with the things I thought before but now she was very opinionated and stubborn.... and well, so was I so you can imagine where that leads sometimes haha  Most of the time when I come home, we pick up right where we left off, like no time had even past.

I went home this weekend and was reminded of how painful change can feel and how much I struggle with it all over again.

Whenever I looked around the room she was with the friends she gets to see every day, laughing with them, joking with them... I admit it, I was 100% jealous. It was silly really and I feel bad about it.
As much as I didn't want to feel this way, it stung when I looked at my friends who "replaced" me in a way and I just wished things were different.

Sometimes I wish it were easy and I could just move back right now and fix everything so that it is right back to how we used to be. Instead I will try and fix it from here, no matter how hard I have to try.

After all, boys aren't as fun as girls anyway right?! :)